Scallops à la Rage

For when you're sweet, seared, and sick of everyone's shit

Here’s a recipe that feels indulgent but easy, elegant yet made with the feral energy of a woman scorned by bureaucracy, men, or a thrice delayed package.

There are scallop recipes out there that speak softly. This one yells into a [vintage] crystal wine glass. It says: I have had a DAY, and I demand a dinner that reflects both my delicate soul and my deep, burning resentment. Enter: scallops with a mango-passionfruit chutney over velvety coconut-lentils. It’s tropical meets turmoil. Like if Martha Stewart got ghosted in Tulum.

You sear the scallops hard. You stir the lentils smooth. You reduce the chutney until it’s thick and sticky, like revenge. And then you eat it in silence, fork clinking against the plate, while your inbox pings and you pretend you don’t hear it.

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Scallops with Mango-Passionfruit Chutney and Creamy Coconut Lentils

(a.k.a. Scallops à la Rage)

Serves: 2 people you like, or 1 person who needs this more than therapy.

Ingredients

For the scallops:

• 6–8 sea scallops, patted dry like they owe you money

• Salt and pepper

• Neutral oil for searing (Or olive oil if that’s all you have. Because nothing really matters.)

For the chutney:

• 1 ripe mango, chopped

• 1 passionfruit, pulp scooped (or 2 if they're tiny or you’re dramatic)

• 1 small shallot, finely chopped

• 1 garlic clove, minced

• 1 tsp honey (optional)

• A pinch (or two) of chili flakes or fresh chili

• Splash of white wine or vinegar (acidity is honesty)

For the coconut-lentil purée:

• 1 cup red or yellow lentils

• 1 leek, white part only, sliced thin

• 1 garlic clove

• 2 cups coconut milk

• Salt and pepper

• Olive oil

Optional sides: asparagus or green beans, pan-roasted and salty—like you will be for at least the next 48 hours, probably, which is fine.

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Instructions

1. Start the Lentils
   Sauté leek and garlic in olive oil until soft and translucent. If the smell makes you nostalgic for a version of yourself with fewer opinions, you're doing it right. Add lentils and a generous pinch of salt. Stir. Add coconut milk and simmer until lentils are soft, about 20 minutes. Taste for seasoning. Add salt like you're seasoning your high school bully.

2. Make the Chutney
   In a small pan, cook shallots and garlic at medium heat until they surrender. Add mango, passionfruit pulp, chili, and honey. Splash in a dry white wine (honestly—even rosé is fine if that’s what you’re drinking-while-cooking) or vinegar and let it simmer down like your better judgment. Add a bit more wine/vinegar and oil if needed. Stir until thick and glaze-y.

3. Sear the Scallops (Last Minute!)
   Heat a (preferably stainless steel) pan until it's hotter than your temper on a crowded sidewalk. Add a slick of oil. Salt and pepper the scallops on both sides. Sear for 1.5–2 minutes per side, until golden and proud. Do not overcrowd. Do not overthink. Channel confidence.

4. Assemble
   Spoon the lentils onto a plate like it’s a canvas and you’re a little unstable. Top with scallops. Then add the chutney like you're plating at a Michelin-star restaurant and your enemies are watching.
   

   Add greens if desired. Or don’t. This is about you.

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Pairs well with:

• Wine

• Silence

• A shot of vodka

• A playlist titled, "Gloria Steinem, We’re at Capacity"